


I Should Go

by thenleavetheband



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, F/F, Genderswap, Happy ending though, Pining, a bit of angst, unrequited love sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 19:14:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3084698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thenleavetheband/pseuds/thenleavetheband
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis's tired. She's so tired of it all. She's been in love with Harry since she was eighteen years old and she always thought, secretly, right in the corner of her mind, that it would work out. That one day Harry would stumble into her room, wide eyed and terrified, but she'd still reach for Louis, tangle her fingers in her hair, they'd kiss. </p><p>Stupidly, Louis had it all planned out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Should Go

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello:  
> Just to quickly say, you might want to suspend your disbelief a little bit in this one with what Louis does, because I have literally no idea whether or not she would actually be able to do that in the real world. This fic is just completely self-indulgent really.

It’s when Harry whispers to Louis that she might actually be in love with this one, this new girl, that Louis decides she needs to get the fuck out. Not properly get out, obviously. Not like, leave the room or the hotel, or even the country; just out of the situation she’s got herself into.The one she so smugly said she could handle.

Harry is soft and warm, sleepily blinking at the hotel telly which is playing Love Actually. Her hair is freshly washed, dripping cold water droplets onto Louis’ thigh. She didn’t take her make up off properly before her shower, it’s still a little smudged around her eyes. Louis thinks _you look beautiful, you might have just broken my heart- like proper smashed it, you always make me want to kiss you so much_. Louis looks at Harry and for the first time since she’s met her thinks _I don’t know where we go from here my darling, we might have just been fucked._

The tour has been long and trying and with every day that Haz gets closer and closer to outing herself, Louis gets closer to ripping out her fucking hair. She remembers Harry at sixteen, at seventeen and at eighteen, when she realised, finally, that Harry Styles was not hers to keep. It had gotten harder after that- the tours, recording, the press. All of it in general.

Even the band.

Harry shifts a little, curling up closer to Louis so that her head rests on Louis’ tummy. She mumbles nonsensically into Louis’ hip, nudging Louis’ vest top up with her nose so that her lips brush bare skin. Louis cuts her nails into her palms to keep from touching.

She thinks it’s stupid really, how much being in love with Harry makes her sad. Because from everything she’s read, being in love isn’t supposed to be like that. Not at all. But falling for Harry left her with some sort of mental concussion and actually being in love with Harry, well, it’s a little bit like bleeding out.

‘Lou,’ Harry whines, breath hot against Louis’ skin.

‘What love?’ Louis asks quietly and she sounds so heartbroken, so soft, even to her own ears that it’s no surprise when Harry turns her head to peer at her curiously.

‘You good?’ Harry frowns, wet hair clinging to the side of her face and collarbone. She looks ridiculous and Louis’ chest aches.

‘‘Course. Tiring stuff, Harriet, being in a band.’ Harry rolls her eyes, clambering gracelessly up onto her knees. She shuffles forward on the bed, the duvet scrunching around her legs. Harry bumps her nose into the side of Louis’ face and drags it along Louis’ cheekbone, nuzzling her gently.

‘Did you hear what I said?’ Harry murmurs, sounding scared and shy and _fuck_. A bit like she might be in love.

‘Yeah babe. Happy for you Haz, really.’ Louis replies. Her voice only sounds choked and thick on the last word, which she is definitely taking as a win.

‘Taylor is,’ Harry begins. ‘She’s really nice Lou. Nice and good, I think you’d like her.’

Louis a hundred percent won’t but whatever. She hums in reply, offering Harry a smile because Harry looks so pretty and a little flushed, happy and warm. She smiles because she can’t not. She can’t ever not smile at her girl.

Harry falls asleep curled in Louis’ arms and it’s a sign of complete lack of willpower when Louis leans down, brushing her lips to Harry’s ear, ‘Think you might have ruined me a bit there, Haz.’

-

Louis’s awful for the next two days of tour.

She steals all of Niall’s guitar picks, messes up Liam’s room to the extent that she nibbles on her thumbnail for a minute, once she’s finished and genuinely worries that she might have just got them all kicked out of the hotel. She half smokes every cigarette in Zayn’s packet and then arranges them into a smiley face.

She doesn’t do anything to Harry.

It gets to the point where she’s being so irritating, so so annoying that Paul puts her in a time out. An actual real life time out. Which is totally ridiculous and makes her feel trapped and angry, like a child, so she kicks and screams and tries really really hard not to cry.

‘Jesus Louis.’ He says, watching her in disbelief. ‘What is going on with you kid? What is it you want hmm?’

His words seem to make something in her settle, quiet down for a bit. Like it’s all sort of cleared up a little and what she wants, what she really really wants is so fucking obvious.

-

She’s sat on the corner of the stage, ages before they’re about to perform when Zayn saunters across the stage, hands in her pockets. She tosses her empty cigarette packet into Louis’ lap and sits down next to her.

‘You owe me another packet, you twat.’ Louis nods, fiddling with the packet.

‘I know.’

Zayn leans back on her elbows and sighs loudly. ‘Do you have to be such a dickhead sometimes Lou?’

Louis laughs because it makes her feel less like she’ll cry and lets herself fall back. She stretches out her legs so that’s she properly lying down, shifting on the cold metal underneath her. She tilts her head to look at Zayn’s profile. ‘Comes with these marvelous genetics bro. Can’t help it.’

‘You should try. Like, really. Just try.’

‘Nah, more fun this way, innit.’

Zayn rolls her eyes and lies down as well.

‘Not really. You’re pissing everyone off. Liam looked like she was about to cry earlier. She thought you were over all this shit. Always have to take it out the worst on her don’t you?’

Louis closes her eyes and finds she really doesn’t have the energy to reply. She’s quiet for about twenty seconds before she gets irritated, opening one eye to find Zayn watching her.

‘Fucking creepy as shit Malik, cut it out.’

‘Something’s wrong.’ Zayn says bluntly. It makes Louis laugh again.

‘Louis.’

‘What?’

‘Don’t fucking lie to me.’

‘I’m not.’ Louis shuts her eyes again, yelping in surprise when Zayn grips her shoulder and tries to yank her back up to sitting position.

‘Get off you loon. What are you doing?’ She asks and pulls out of Zayn’s grip, sitting upright and crossing her legs. She’s feels restless, like there’s too much of her buzzing around, too much of her everywhere and she’s floating away with it all. It seems like all she’s doing, all she’s ever been doing, is looking for something to pin her down.

‘I thought it was just you, dicking around, the way you do when you’re grumpy or homesick, but something’s actually wrong this time.’ Louis doesn’t like that Zayn doesn’t sound sad or worried. She sounds scared.

‘Zayn-’

‘Don’t you fucking lie to me.’

Louis smiles and it sucks that it feels sad. She gently presses her fingers to Zayn’s cheek, sweeping over her friend’s beautiful beautiful face.

‘Think I might need to leave for a bit,’ she whispers. It comes as absolutely no surprise to her when Zayn stands up silently and walks away.

-

She tells Niall just before the shows about to start. It would seem cruel, but normally whenever things have gone to shit, Niall likes to be able to do something to take her mind off whatever shit’s just happened. She likes distractions, things she can do mindlessly.

Like, she eats some food, plays her guitar, sings to thousands and thousands of people- Louis figures it will be alright.

Niall’s strutting around their dressing room, her newly cropped hair pushed back under a cap. She’s singing sounds, not even words, to the tune of God Save The Queen and Louis really loves Niall. Sometimes she forgets, not for any prolonged period of time, but for moments, how important Niall actually is to her.

‘Yo Nialler,’ she calls, waving her over to sit next to her on the sofa.

‘‘Sup,’ Niall says as she sits down, carefully placing her guitar on the floor.

‘Love you,’ Louis replies quietly and Niall’s face drops, just for a second. There’s a long pause before she says anything back.

‘Love you too Lou. Always.’

Louis claps her hand around the back of Niall’s neck and strokes through the hair there. ‘I gotta go Niall,’

Niall swallows. ‘Go where?’

‘Just go for a bit. After this tour, obviously. When we’re done. I’ve gotta go.’

‘Lou don’t-’

Louis stands up off the sofa and offers Niall a hand. Her eyes are so wide.

‘It’s okay Niall.’

‘It’s not fucking okay, you complete prick.’ Niall says angrily, standing up so that she’s right in Louis’ space and for a second, like a split second, Louis’ sure she’s about to slap her. But then Niall hugs her, practically crushes Louis to her like Louis is something special and precious. Her arms are trembling but Louis ignores it, just tucks her fingers underneath Niall’s shirt and hugs her back. It’s nice, for a second. It’s just really nice.

-

When Louis tells Liam, after the show finishes, Liam cries and punches a wall. Louis bandages her hand and presses her fingertips to Liam’s swollen eyes.

-

She doesn’t know how they all decide that keeping it from Harry is the best thing to do.

They don’t talk to each other about the fact that once tours over, Louis’s gonna leave One Direction for an indefinite amount of time; she thinks maybe it’s just one those things that they know shouldn’t really be discussed.

Liam talks to Louis a lot about the contract, about how if Louis just takes off, they can cover her for a couple of months but she’s got to have her shit locked down after that. Louis tells Liam that she’s beautiful and eats the rest of her crisps.

Harry and Taylor are papped an almost ridiculous amount. The tour’s stressful and tiring but Harry spends every moment she’s not sleeping or eating or performing with Taylor, and shit, if Louis didn’t know that it hurt she fucking does now. Jesus, she does now.

Louis’s tired. She’s so tired of it all. She’s been in love with Harry since she was eighteen years old and she always thought, secretly, right in the corner of her mind, that it would work out. That one day Harry would stumble into her room, wide eyed and terrified but she’d still reach for Louis, tangle her fingers in Louis’ hair, they’d kiss.

Stupidly, Louis had it all planned out.

She’s not even angry at Taylor, not really. She’s angry at her own delusion. Unrequited love’s a bitch, and Louis doesn’t like the hold it has over her.

She’s only been asleep for a couple of hours when the click of her hotel door wakes her up. She doesn’t even need to open her eyes to know it’s Harry. She also knows from Niall that Harry had a big date tonight, so she’s not really sure what’s going on here.

‘Lou?’ Harry asks softly.

Louis could pretend to be asleep, is the thing. She could just close her eyes and keep her breathing even and not flinch when Harry presses a warm hand to her ankle to see if she’ll stir. She could do this, she really could. But she’s Louis and this is Harry, and she hates leaving her girl alone in the dark.

‘Yeah?’ Her voice comes out a bit croaky and deep, so she clears her throat a couple of times, leaning up onto her elbows to peer at Harry.

‘Can I sleep here tonight?’ Harry sounds timid as she asks which makes Louis want to fucking laugh because she can’t remember the last time Harry asked to sleep with her and Louis said no.

She sighs though, a resigned loud sigh. ‘Yeah,’

Harry’s slow getting unchanged, like she genuinely believes Louis might kick her out at any given moment which is probably a testament to just how weird Louis’ been acting around her recently. When she finally does slide into bed she’s wearing an old band top of Louis’ that’s too small for her and a pair of blue lacy knickers. She smells like fresh air and oranges.

Louis wants to hit her head against the wall.

Harry’s breathing is a little unsteady, shaky in a way that means she’s either nervous or upset. Louis figures she’ll talk when she wants to and so turns back onto her side, her back to Harry, and closes her eyes tightly. It’s still for a few moments, only a few, before Harry begins to shuffle.

At first Louis thinks she’s just shifting to make herself more comfortable, but eventually the warm, solid weight of Harry’s body presses in against Louis’ back. She tenses every fucking muscle she has to not shiver when Harry’s hand sneaks under Louis' top and rests firmly against her stomach, fingertips pushing a little into Louis’ skin. Louis opens her eyes and tries to figure out what’s coming now. Harry isn’t naturally inclined to be the big spoon in bed, likes the feeling of being little and protected and cuddled.

‘You’re sad.’ Harry breathes against her hair, her breath warm on the shell of Louis’ ear. Louis quickly shuts her eyes again and clenches her hands into fists. She can pretend this isn’t happening. She can make it go away.

‘You’ve been sad and I think it might be because of me?’

Louis presses her lips together and focuses on breathing in and out through her nose.

‘Lou?’ If she just keeps her eyes closed, she can make it go away. She can. ‘Okay, I get it. I just, I really love you Louis. Please don’t be sad with me anymore,’ Harry doesn’t move away for the entire night and when Louis tries to shift closer to the edge of the bed, Harry’s grip only tightens.

-

The last show happens and Louis cries. Harry reaches for her, startled and then hurt when Niall knocks into her shoulder and sweeps Louis up into a fireman’s hold, parading her around the stage whilst the fans scream and scream and scream. When they get backstage, sweaty and exhausted and happy in a way that only the end of the tour, an end of a good fucking job well done can make them, Harry announces that she’s going out with Taylor tonight.

‘No,’ Zayn says sharply. Harry frowns and pushes her hair off her face.

‘What?’

Zayn gazes at each of them in turn, a calm, slightly frightened look in her eye. ‘Just think it would be good if we spent the last night together you know? It’s a bit of a tradition babe,’

Zayn looks imploringly at Louis, clearly for help, because for whatever reason Harry has just a hard a time saying no to Louis as Louis does to her. But Louis doesn’t help. She quietly straddles one of the rickety old chairs left lying around backstage and keeps her lips shut. She has a plan. Spending as little time as possible with Haz is right at the fucking top of the list, so she keeps her mouth shut and watches.

‘Oh, okay. I can just, I’ll reschedule, it’s not a big deal,’ Harry says worriedly, watching Zayn as if she’s the one having a mental breakdown. Louis smirks a little and takes the snapback that Niall hands her, plonking it down over her hair.

‘Thanks love, I just, like, thought it’d be nice.’ Zayn smiles, wrapping one of her arms around Harry’s shoulders to bring her in for a cuddle. Last show means a hotel for them all tonight before they all fly their separate ways tomorrow. Last night with them all together for who knows how long?

‘I vote movies and alcohol,’ Liam grins as she pulls on an old jumper on top of the clothes she’d been wearing on stage. Niall screams her appreciation, Harry nods and claps her hands and Zayn turns to Louis, arching one of her eyebrows.

‘You in?’

‘Course mate, wouldn’t wanna miss out on that.’

-

Louis’ just got out of the shower when there’s a knock on her hotel door. They’d all agreed to go to Liam’s room- it’s the biggest- to just chill together for one last night around midnight. And unless Louis fell asleep in the shower, she’s still got about fifteen minutes before she has to go anywhere.

She opens the door without looking at who’s behind it and sighs dramatically when Zayn, Niall and Liam all barge into the room. Zayn and Liam make immediately for the bed, tugging the duvet over their legs whilst Niall settles on the sofa along the wall, dangling her feet over the armrest.

‘Right then,’ Louis says. ‘What’s this?’

Liam shuffles, looking a bit guilty whilst Zayn stares unflinchingly at her. ‘We thought a chat might be in order,’ Zayn replies.

‘Chat about what?’

‘You and Hazza,’ Niall pipes in, cracking her knuckles.

Louis sighs and drops her towel, smirking at the outraged cries she gets for it.

‘Christ, Lou, bit of warning would have been nice,’ Liam grumbles as Louis pulls on some underwear and a huge jumper that stops just at her thighs.

‘What about me and Harry?’ She asks, falling face first onto the bed. She bites Liam ankle through the duvet when she realises that’s what’s digging into her throat.

‘She’s the reason you’re quitting.’ Zayn says bluntly.

Zayn’s not wrong, it’s just that Louis had been avoiding saying those exact words out loud. She hadn’t even let her own mind form those words, so to hear them from Zayn feels a bit like a punch to the stomach. If anything, it just seems a bit pathetic. Like, what kind of idiot has to have a bit of a hiatus from the best job in the entire world, from the best people in the entire world, because of some fucking crush?

Except, it’s not a crush anymore. She’s completely in love with someone who is quite possibly completely in love with someone else, and Louis’ been fighting and pushing and screaming at this love for as long as she can fucking remember- it just doesn’t go away. It hasn’t gone away in so so long, and frankly, Louis knows she can’t do it anymore.

‘Yeah,’ she replies. Her throat is raspy. She doesn’t want to cry. A hand, probably Zayn’s going from the rings Louis can feel, rests at the back of her neck.

‘It’s okay Lou,’

Louis nods her head.

‘We were just thinking,’ Niall says after a bit. ‘That like, if you talked to Harry it might sort things out without you, having to like, back off.’

Louis replies right into the duvet cover, quiet enough that she knows they won’t know what she’s said. That they’ll ask her to repeat it.

‘What was that Lou?’ Liam asks in that gentle, slightly patronising tone of voice she gets when she’s trying really really hard to be patient and kind and nice. Louis takes in a deep, shuddering breath and pushes up onto her knees. She pushes her wet hair off her face.

‘I said I’ve already talked to her about it.’ They all look gobsmacked.

‘You what?’ Niall breathes.

Louis meets each of their gazes steadily before she looks down at her knees. ‘I’ve already talked to her about being in love with her. She turned me down.’

-

_‘Louis-’_

_‘I’m not actually that drunk.’_

_‘But you are a bit?’_

_‘Haz.’_

_‘What do you want me to say?’_

_Louis couldn’t breathe. ‘I’ve just told you I’m in love with you.’_

_Harry pushed a hand through her curls and fiddled with the curtains. Her hotel room was so messy. ‘I know, I heard you.’_

_Louis felt like maybe she should laugh, just laugh it away, but she couldn’t this time. It really really was not funny._

_‘So?’ Her voice broke and it was obvious she was about to cry. Her throat felt weird and her chest was tight and Louis realised then that she might actually have broken them beyond repair._

_‘I don’t… Louis,’_

_‘You don’t feel the same.’_

_‘Lou-’_

_‘It’s pretty simple Haz.’_

_‘No. I don’t.’_

-

That had been a whole year ago and Louis still can’t think about it without feeling sick.

-

On the walk to Liam’s room, Zayn grabs her arm and tugs her back, letting Niall and Liam meander down the corridor, bickering about something or another.

‘Shit, Lou,’ Zayn says and that’s kind of all there is to it really. ‘When did you tell her?’

‘A couple of months ago. It’s okay,’ Louis replies. Which is probably one of the biggest lies she’s ever told.

‘It’s really not.’ Zayn says. Louis’ filled with such fondness for her, such total total love for this girl that she’s not sure she can explain it. She just wants to hold Zayn’s hand and say _I don’t know how to do this anymore, I didn’t think it would hurt this much to love her, I wish I could have been stronger_ ,  _I wish I didn't have to leave you guys._

_Bro, I never meant to let you down._

‘Shit happens, you know.’ Louis swallows thickly.

‘It is what it is,’ Zayn replies gently. Louis nods and tips forward a little, her legs weak and shaky. Her forehead rests on the curve of Zayn’s collarbone and she shudders a little in her arms. Zayn’s arms come up to wrap around her back, bracketing her body up against the wall. She smells like smoke and expensive perfume and Louis wants to cry.

‘Lou, Louis,’ Zayn whispers into her hair. ‘I just have one question, like, I’m not doubting you at all mate, I just want to double check yeah?’ Zayn’s hands cup her cheeks, bringing her face away from Zayn’s shoulder so she can look her in the eye.

‘Are you sure Harry said no?’ Zayn asks and she sounds firm, like Louis’ a child. ‘Are you definitely, completely sure, she said no?’

 _No, I don’t_.

‘Yeah,’ Louis breathes out and it’s so fucking stupid because it was so long ago, and this really shouldn’t still have so much of an effect on her, but she can feel the tears well up in her eyes and God fucking damn it. She exhales shakily as a tear drips down her cheek and trails under her chin, only stopping when Zayn presses her thumb there to catch it.

‘Okay babes.’ She tucks Louis’ hair behind her ears. ‘Okay.’

-

They have a nice evening. The others don’t stop coddling Louis, always touching her, always loving her so openly. Harry clearly knows something’s up but every time Louis catches her opening her mouth to speak, she shuts it again. Like she knows this is something she should leave alone; it’s so obvious Louis’ a time bomb, one wrong word and it all comes crashing down.

Louis says her goodbyes to the girls quietly.

To Niall, it’s a press of a kiss against the blonde’s hair whilst she babbles on about this new brand of curly fries she’s found that the others definitely have to try. It stops her in her track for about half a second, whilst she glances up at Louis, her eyes wide and a little scared. Louis gently, ever so gently, knocks her fist against Niall’s temple and grins. She continues her examination on curly fries like nothing happened.

To Liam, she barges into the loo whilst Liam’s washing her hands, methodically rubbing the soap into her skin. Louis winds her arms around Liam’s stomach and presses her face into the back of Liam’s neck, raising up onto her toes so she can reach. Liam doesn’t rock forward with the pressure of Louis barrelling into her back, she just looks up into the mirror and says quietly ‘I wish you wouldn’t Lou. I really wish you wouldn’t.’

To Zayn, it’s the cigarette round the back of the hotel where neither of them say anything. Louis lets out one sob, one little cry that makes Zayn slump a little in the shoulders, and then they’re walking back inside. Louis hooks her pinky finger around Zayn’s for the briefest of seconds before they get back into the room and that’s it.

To Harry, well, it’s always a little bit fucking different for Harry isn’t it?

Louis begs off the next film saying that her flight’s the earliest and she does actually need to sleep. Which is true. She’s standing to leave and they all do the standard hug goodbye, none of them crying because they know better than that. When it gets to Harry, she’s stood near the edge of bed, twisting her hands nervously like she’s not sure whether or not she’s allowed to touch.

It breaks Louis’ heart.

Because she knows this thing has fucked them up. Knows that even with the time off, Louis might not ever be able to make things go back to the way they were. But God, she wants to be Harry’s friend so badly. More than anything, she wants that. So she smiles and opens up her arms, trying not to let her face crumple when Harry practically runs into them, shoving her face into Louis’ neck and fisting the back of her shirt.

She doesn’t know if it’s just because Harry’s picked up on the atmosphere of the room or what. She doesn’t know why Harry starts crying but she can feel it against her neck, soaking into her hair.

‘Be good Haz,’

And then she goes. She doesn’t look back.

-

It takes Harry exactly two weeks and four days to figure out that Louis’ not coming back. At least not for a bit. If Louis was a stronger person, she’d turn off her phone so she didn’t have to see Harry’s messages. She’s not though, so she just let’s them flood in and break her a little bit more.

_I can’t believe you’ve done this._

_Are you okay? Just please, the girls are telling me barely anything. Please let me know you’re okay._

_Louis, just one fucking phone call._

_How the fuck could you?_

_You’ve left us. I don’t give a fuck Louis that it’s only for a couple of months or whatever it was that liam said. You’ve left us and we always said, we’d never do that. Never ever._

_You’re a selfish little bitch._

_I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it at all Louis, I promise. I just, I miss you._

_Please just ring me._

_I miss you, please come back._

And so it goes on.

-

Louis doesn’t read the papers or the online articles or Twitter. She stays as far away from it as possible. She doesn’t see the press the girls do for their album, she doesn’t watch their interviews. Really, she has no idea what people think about the fact that she’s disappeared off the face of the face of the Earth.

She spends her time with her mum and her sisters, helping with the babies and just generally getting back into the swing of things. Lottie and Fizzy worry about her, but make sure not to baby her and it’s so much like their mum that Louis wants to cry sometimes.

She does the stupid unglamorous things that people do when they’re heartbroken, but that no one seems to talk about. Like not shaving her legs, arms or pubes. She eats, but not in a one tub of Ben and Jerry’s sort of way; she eats constantly whatever’s available. She doesn’t wash her hair. She digs her nails into her palm so hard it leaves marks when she thinks about Harry.

She thinks about Harry all of the time whilst pretending like she’s not.

When she goes to the shop for some milk, she sees a magazine saying ‘Haylor: Friendship or More?’ and almost wants to vomit. It’s not going to stop now, is the thing. Not with the way Taylor and Harry act around each other- it’s not ever going to stop until or unless Harry comes out. She’s always going to be questioned on her sexuality.

And Louis wishes so badly that she could be like that but the truth is; she’s terrified. She’s so fucking terrified but not even of coming out, not of everyone knowing that she’s gay, but for the band and their jobs and what it could mean. But Harry’s so happy that the media keep asking her about her sexuality, keep pressing and pressing and it’s just another thing, one more little thing that proves to Louis that they could never have worked and it fucking hurts. After all this time, it still fucking hurts.

-

Liam keeps her updated on what’s going on with the band, Zayn gives her space and Niall sends her pictures of the largest pint of beer in the world.

Harry rings her sometimes, at three in the morning and Louis stares at the phone long after Harry’s hung up.

-

Louis meets a girl called Eleanor Calder and doesn’t fall in love.

They do fuck a lot though, and it’s pretty great.

It’s been exactly four months since she walked out of the hotel room and technically left ‘One Direction’ for a bit of a hiatus. Her lawyers are doing an amazing job of both fighting Management and keeping it all pretty much out of the press. Louis still doesn’t read the papers. There are e-mails on her phone from Liam about contracts and recording for the new album and is Louis okay? Even Zayn’s begun to text her about the band.

Louis tries not to reply. It just doesn’t feel like enough. It doesn’t feel like enough when Harry is all she can see when she closes her eyes and she can just imagine going back to it. She’s not sure she can spend another year pining for her, yearning to touch her when she’s so so close and knowing that she’ll never be able to.

-

Eleanor’s gorgeously pretty and she doesn’t ever make Louis feel sad. Which is kind of how Louis knows that this thing they have will never work out.

She stays out of the public eye but is furiously defensive of Louis on Twitter, her intelligence and fondness for Louis so stupidly obvious that Louis doesn’t really know what to do about it. She doesn't know what she did to deserve this girl but she's really fucking grateful.

One night, when El is slowly taking her apart, breathing gently over her clit but never fucking touching, her hands sweeping up and down Louis’ thighs, El whispers ‘Will you tell me about her?’

And that sounds like a loaded fucking gun, so Louis presses her lips tightly together and arches her hips up, trying desperately to get El’s mouth where she wants it.

‘Lou.’ El says firmly. ‘Tell me about her,’

One of Eleanor’s hands reaches up for Louis’ tit, flicking gently over the nipple before rolling it in her fingers. She places open mouthed, sucking kisses on the inside of Louis’ thigh. So fucking close, but not close enough.

‘What do you, _fuck_ , what do you want to know?’ Louis gasps out, letting her head thud back against the pillow and her eyes close.

‘Anything,’ El breathes out. Louis gives herself a couple of seconds before replying.

‘She hated being cold,’

Eleanor licks over her broadly, her tongue pressing just a little bit firmer on the top of Louis’ clit to make her jerk. Louis can’t help but whimper, her hands tightening in the sheets.

‘More,’ Eleanor says.

‘She once spent seven hundred pounds on a plant, because she thought it looked lonely in the shop.’ Louis breathes out as Eleanor moves to trace over Louis’ clit with her tongue, in gentle slow circles, just how Louis’ likes.

‘She likes to sleep with fairy lights on. She- God, El, I can’t,’

‘You can,’ Eleanor replies. And sucks on Louis’ lips, her thumb still insistently rubbing over Louis’ clit before her tongue takes back over. Louis’ hot everywhere, she can feel Eleanor everywhere, but it’s not, fuck. As ever, it’s not El she’s thinking about. Her thighs begin to shake with it. Her and El have been doing this for long enough that El knows exactly what’s going to get her off in how short of a time.

She can already feel her orgasm building, deep in the pit of her stomach.

‘She, she looks beautiful when she sings. But not, please keep going, not on stage. When no one can see her, she, God, she looks beautiful.’

Louis feels so wound up, her slick all over her thighs and El’s face, the rub of El’s tongue and her thoughts of Harry are going to fucking kill her.

‘She sang to Doris once, and she fell asleep against Harry’s chest. Mum took pictures. They’re under my bed.’

El pushes a finger inside of her, crooking it up slightly as she kisses and sucks around Louis’ clit and lips. ‘You’re doing so good Lou, so so good.’

‘She’s one of my favourite people,’ Louis sobs out.

Eleanor points her finger straight and Louis can feel how close she is, so so close, if El just keeps on rubbing right like that-

‘She’s in love with Taylor Swift.’ Eleanor hums and sucks both at the same time, and Louis just lets go. Her orgasm tears through her.

‘And I’m in love with her.’

-

It happens the morning after Louis has a meeting with Management and decides she’s going to come back to One Direction. El meets her as she comes out of the building, tucking her arm through Louis’. She looks unfairly good.

‘Hi love,’ she says cheerily. ‘Go okay?’

‘I’m officially back in One Direction,’ Louis replies, responding to Alberto’s gentle prod in the back to get her moving. El laughs and nudges her shoulder.

‘You always were babe,’ They’re walking down the steps of the building now, the paps fucking everywhere. Louis grabs El’s hand to yank her towards the car when one particularly brave pap steps out in front of her.

‘Lou, are you and Eleanor together?’ And without feeling scared, without letting go of El’s hand and always, always, thinking of Harry, she replies ‘Yeah.’

And so it goes on.

-

‘Lou, Lou, Louis.’ El says and it’s way too early in the morning for that shit.

Louis grumbles into the pillow and shifts onto her stomach. ‘You annoy me.’

Eleanor gasps and tumbles on top of her, her bare breasts pressing into Louis’ back. ‘There’s someone at the door for you,’ she whispers, tugging Louis’ ear into her mouth.

‘Tell them to fuck off,’ Louis says. It’s warm in her bed.

‘You’re gonna want to go see them Louis,’ El says, pressing a smacking kiss to Louis cheek before slipping off her. Louis turns onto her stomach, appreciating the view of Eleanor’s back as she pulls off her oversized button down top, leaving her stood completely naked.

‘Who is it?’ Louis asks.

Eleanor looks over her shoulder. She smiles and it’s a little sad. Louis begins to worry. She sits up in bed, pulling the duvet so it’s around her chest.

‘El, who’s at the door?’

‘Harry Styles.’ She whispers. ‘She’s in the living room. I’m going to go shower.’

-

When Louis trudges into the living room Harry looks so fucking beautiful Louis literally has to remind herself to breathe.

‘Hi,’ she says, her voice croaky. She’s feels like a mess, her hair knotty with only a big jumper and little shorts on. Harry’s wearing jeans that are so tight Louis wants to scream and her hair is piled on top of her head, curls springing free at the base of her neck and by her ears.

Louis wants to kiss her. She doesn’t.

And when the hurt comes, she swallows it down. The way you learn to when you decide to live with heartbreak.

‘Hi,’ Harry says shakily.

‘Do you-’

‘I met Eleanor-’ They both say at the same time before breaking off into silence.

Harry bites at her lip and Louis doesn’t know what to do.

‘Tea or?’ She offers weakly.

‘She seems really nice,’ Harry replies and sinks to the sofa.

‘She is.’

There’s not really a lot to say after that.

‘Have you, um, have you seen the others?’ Harry asks. Louis nods a little awkwardly.

‘Yeah, yeah. Zayn was here for about three days and you know, met up with Liam and Niall about a week ago.’

Harry puts her face in her hands and shakes a little. Louis reaches out a hand instinctively before yanking it back. She doesn’t know if she’s allowed anymore.

‘I don’t know what happened to us,’ she sobs. She’s so beautiful and Louis wants to touch her but she can’t.

She’s going to have to bandage her heart up later, she knows. When this is all over.

‘Haz-’ She looks up then, her eyes a little wild.

‘Zayn said you’re in love with me.’ Louis sighs. Fucking Zayn. She pushes her hands into her hoodie pockets.

‘God, Louis, don’t fucking… Say something.’

 _I’m giving up on you_ , Louis hums in her head.

‘Haz,’ she says weakly. ‘You knew this.’

Harry’s mouth drops open and her face turns red. Then she starts crying properly.

‘You fucking, oh God, Louis. I don’t know what to.’

She turns and runs away. 

-

When Harry comes back, Eleanor’s left and taken all of her stuff with her.

It’s dark in the flat because Louis just sat back and let it all grow black around her.

Harry lets herself in which means Zayn must have given her a key, which gives Louis even more reason to go fucking mental on her best friend.

‘I’m sorry,’ Harry whispers into the quiet. Louis drums her fingers against the kitchen counter. She hasn’t showered all day.

‘It’s alright.’

‘Louis I’ve missed you so much,’ Harry says it all in a rush, like the words were fighting to come out of her mouth first.

She doesn’t say anything back.

‘I’ve missed you so much I thought I was going to go insane and then, I heard about Eleanor and then I saw pictures of you with Eleanor and it was all, all I could fucking think about all the time. And you said that you were with her and God, Louis, Management freaked the fuck out because they’d only just got you back and then you came out. You didn’t return my texts.’

Louis tries to keep breathing. ‘I didn’t know what to say.’

‘You’re in love with me,’

‘Yeah.’

‘For how long?’

‘From the beginning.’

‘And?’

‘And till the end, probably.’

Harry shudders. Her hair’s loose now and it’s stupid how much Louis loves her hair, but she does, God, she loves it so much.

‘Same.’

Louis’ heart stops. She stares at Harry. This is one of those moments, she can tell, those moments that seem like they’re going to crash over you, like a wave that you can’t stop. It’s going to drag you under and push you down and that’s nothing you can do about it. But really, it just makes everything go quiet.

‘What?’

Harry looks up at her. She picks at her lip with her fingers. ‘Same.’

‘Oh don’t you fucking do that,’ Louis breathes out, stumbling back, away from her.

It seems that movement is all it needs to set everything into chaos. Harry lurches off the chair towards her.

‘Louis-’

‘No, no, don’t, that’s not fair, no,’

‘Louis please, Lou,’ Harry’s arms wind around her and she’s tugged right into Harry’s chest.

‘Get off of me,’ she whispers, struggling against Harry’s hold, pushing and shoving to get her to move.

‘Louis, love, my love, please listen to me,’

‘Get off, get off, get off,’

‘I love you, I’ve always been in love with you, I’m in love with you now-’

‘Stop it!’

And then Harry kisses her.

She catches Louis’ face between her hands, her thumbs pressed into either side of Louis’ jaw. It’s everything really. Harry’s so quick, her lips pressing hard against Louis’ own like she’d mould her way into Louis if she could, like she’d kiss her forever. Louis knows it’s to make her shut up, make her stop talking, but she can’t help but kiss back, if only for a moment, let her lips suck on Harry’s, slide her tongue inside Harry’s mouth like they’ve been doing it since the beginning, like she’s allowed this.

They kiss for what feels like years. Louis can’t stop touching her, her fingers sweeping across Harry’s cheek, down her neck, her hips, they tangle in her hair. Harry lets her, lets Louis touch as much as she wants, exhaling these pretty little moans against Louis’ lips. Her big hands clutch at Louis’ lower back, pulling her closer, keeping her pressed so tight as if Louis might run off if she loosens her grip even a little. When they finally break apart, Louis stares at her, panting and so fucking confused.

‘You told me,’ Louis whispers, wanting to move away, put some sort of distance between them but just finding it completely fucking impossible. ‘You told me that you weren’t- you told me you didn’t love me.’

‘I know,’ Harry replies.

‘So, what are you doing right now?’

‘I didn’t realise.’

Louis gapes at her. ‘Harriet.’

‘Lou,’ Harry groans, pressing her forehead to Louis’. ‘I’m so sorry, I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been.’

Louis does pull away then, scraping a hand through her hair. She sweeps a hand across her face and sits down on the floor, her back to the fridge. ‘Harry, God, I love you so much, but I need you to explain right now because you’ve broken my heart, over and fucking over again and I need you to just… just please, explain.’

Harry stands timidly for a moment before she slides to the floor too, stumbling a little on her way down. She shuffles forward so she’s sat on Louis’ right hand side, facing her.

‘Lou, ever since, ever since we fucking met I’ve felt exactly the same. Literally from the first day, my feelings for you have never changed. I just didn’t realise I was in love with you from the beginning.’

When Louis drags a hand down her face, it doesn’t surprise her that she’s been crying.

‘What, you just thought that? What?’

‘I thought it was normal.’ Harry says quietly. ‘I thought it was normal wanting to kiss you every day, because I did want to kiss you every day, so I just didn’t think about it. The butterflies you give me, Jesus, I’ve felt them every single day, I didn’t think it meant- I thought that was just how you made me feel. Like with family, how you grow up and you’re just programmed to love them. I thought that the way I felt about you was the way everyone felt about their closest friend.’

Louis shakes a little, she can’t stop shuddering every now and then. Her legs are so cold on the tiled floor but she doesn’t’t think she has any energy left to go and find a blanket or something. She barely has the energy for this conversation. ‘That’s so stupid Harry.’

‘I know,’ Harry whispers. ‘I know, I’m so sorry. I never thought… I didn’t even know you were gay, Lou, until that night and even then you were so drunk, I just thought you were dicking around.’

‘I told you I was in love with you.’

‘I thought you were joking. But then you wouldn’t even look at me, and you just fucking disappeared and no one would tell me anything. I couldn’t even look at Taylor when I realised, because how could I be with her when it has always, will always be you,’ Harry starts crying now. ‘You wouldn’t reply to my texts and Niall finally said you’d gone for a break and I just, fucking, I missed you so much Louis,’

‘Harry,’ Louis exhales, opening her arms so that Harry could straddle her, pushing her face into Louis’ neck.

‘I love you,’ Harry murmurs, kissing her neck. ‘Love you, love you, love you,’

Louis laughs, brushing away the tears on her cheeks. ‘I’m gonna be so fucking pissed if this is a dream,’

Harry sits up then, resting her hand on Louis’ chest, her fingertips pressing into her collarbones. ‘It’s not a dream Lou. If you’ll have me,’

They kiss, and it’s gentle and sweet and ever Louis has ever wanted in her entire fucking life. They need to talk, there’s so much they need to talk about, but for now, for now they kiss.

-

Harry scares Louis a lot.

Normally, when Louis' scared, she hurdles right into that fear. Banishes it with bravery that isn't really bravery. Just pretend. 

Harry kisses Louis and Louis feels scared because it's everything she's ever wanted and if Harry leaves now, now after Louis finally knows what she tastes like and the smell between her legs and the way she scrunches up her eyes when she comes- it'll probably break her in a way she's not entirely sure she'll recover from. But she's Louis and she does what she always does when she's scared.

Closes her eyes, takes a breath, and hurdles right into it.

-

Louis groans and tangles her fingers in Harry’s hair, yanking hard on her curls. ‘Harry, Harry, Harry,’

Harry looks up from between Louis’ legs and grins, licking her lips in the most obscene fucking way she can before leaning forward and burying her head right back in.

Harry’s relentless in Louis’ pussy. And isn’t that a fucking sentence. But it’s true; even from the beginning she’s been as fucking obsessed with Louis’ pleasure as she is her own. Her tongue flicks in soft little jabs around Louis’ clit whilst her fingers pump in a slow, infuriating rhythm in and out of Louis, curling against her beautifully with every thrust.

Louis’ leg is hooked other Harry’s shoulder as she grapples against the toilet wall for something to hold onto. Obviously there is nothing, so she just lets her other hand fall into Harry’s hair as well, subtly pulling Harry’s face into her crotch.

‘Oh God, Harry, I’m so close babe, I’m almost, fuck, fuck,’ she cries, her orgasm taking her by surprise as it always seemed to do with Harry, grinding against Harry’s face and chin. When she’s ridden out the aftershocks, she looks down at her girl and smiles fondly, releasing her hands from Harry’s hair to pull her up and catch her lips in a kiss.

‘Love, do you want me to finish you-’ Harry pushes her wet fingers against Louis’ lips, grinning.

‘Already did.’ Louis moans and sucks Harry’s fingers into her mouth, swirling her tongue over Harry’s fingertips whilst Harry watches, slightly dazedly.

Then she whines and pulls her fingers away, brushing her mouth against Louis’ instead.

‘Lou, we’ve gotta go. We have a meeting, like, right now,’

‘But I’m still horny,’ Louis pouts.

Harry rolls her eyes but her mouth twitches into a smile. ‘You’re always horny. Come on, come on, we gotta go,’

Louis sighs heavily but pulls her close, allowing herself one last kiss before she unlocks the door and steps out. Harry slaps her on the bum and darts past her giggling. Louis grins.

 _We got here in the end, sweetheart, we got here in the end_. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! I'm on tumblr-thenleavetheband- if you wanna come say hi. Also thanks to the lovely Marie for being fabulous.


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